Category Archives: Nearly Total Nonsense

Extra, Extra! Missing download cable found in husband's possession! Blogging once again possible!

A cable essential to creating online images, missing for several weeks, has surfaced, enabling blogger The Manic Gardener to post once again. The cable, which connects a digital camera to a computer, was produced this morning by “the Manic's” husband, who claims that he “discovered” it in a drawer of stray electronic equipment in his study.

The cable
The cable, after its recovery.

This highly suspicious circumstance is being investigated by appropriate authorities. When our crew arrived at the house shared (so far) by the Manic and her husband, it was cordoned off with yellow crime-scene tape and swarming with uniformed Garden Crime personnel.

One GC officer, removing her green, recyclable cap to wipe her sweaty forehead, had this to say: “This is the worst gardening crime Bozeman has seen in years. We're all sort of in shock here.” —– EXTENDED BODY:

A neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, seemed to take the Manic's part. “I don't like to pre-judge or anything, but look at it. It was found in his study. In a drawer. Like, man, how did it get there if he didn't put it there, huh? Think about it.”

Another neighbor said only, “Where there's smoke, there's fire.”

The two-foot long black cable, which appears not to have been damaged during its absence, disappeared several weeks ago. “I couldn't understand it,” said the Manic Gardener, wringing her hands. “I had trouble locating it right after my trip to Toronto in April, but then I found it, and suddenly it was gone again.”

Asked how her husband came to produce it this morning, she said, “Well, I was just talking about it again—how frustrating it was not to have it—and I said something about how I'd looked everywhere, including outside, and under the couch—I mean, no one's looked under that couch for years—and suddenly he was asking me how long it was, and saying, real casual-like that maybe he had picked it up thinking it was his.

“So I kept things real low-key, and just asked him to check. And he did, and he comes back with my cable! After all this time!

“I told him that I'd thought of asking him directly if he might have picked it up, but I'd sort of assumed that he'd mention it if he had. I mean, it's not as if this was the first time I'd talked about missing it.”

When asked if the loss of the cable had been responsible for the Manic's recent lapse from posting on her gardening blog, she replied tearfully. “I just didn't think I could give my readers the product they've come to expect, and I couldn't bear to give them less.”

A heckler at the sidelines pointed out that some bloggers produce excellent posts without images, and that the Manic herself has been known to post without pictures.

The well-known blogger was unable to reply to this question, as she became incoherent and had to be led away, supported by sympathetic neighbors.

Shortly thereafter, the Manic's husband was led out in woven-grass manacles, said to be tougher than steel, to the donkey waiting to carry him to the county Green-Jail. “All our arrest procedures are environmentally sensitive,” one of the officers informed us. “We try not to use any manufactured products whatsoever.”

He then excused himself to lead the donkey, and a phalanx of guards armed with bamboo spears, to the Green-Jail, explaining, “It'll take us a couple of hours to get there, since we're walking, so we'd better get started.”

Readers who assume that the Manic will be seeking the maximum possible sentence (ten days spent turning compost piles) may be surprised to learn that she appears inclined to be lenient.

“He washed all the dishes this morning,” she said, “and it was a really big stack. And I'd said I would do them yesterday. And I didn't!” At this point she broke down completely.

A belated thanks, Fork ‘n’ Monkey (together with an extended digression on national anthems)

Something amazing happened last May. I know; that’s two seasons back, ancient history by gardening standards, an earlier era in the blogging world. But that’s when it happened: that’s when the Manic won the one of the awards in the second annual Fork ‘n’ Monkey Awards. Attention must be paid, however belatedly, and thanks rendered, both to the Garden Monkey and James A-S for sponsoring the second F ‘n’ M awards, and to everyone who voted for the Manic as best North American blog. Being nominated is an honor; winning still has me blinking in disbelief. Wow.

(And then I promptly shut down operations; y’all must have been rethinking those votes!)

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Contest Judges Held Hostage to Herman's Hermits

The other two large  
Robins eating juniper berries. If you click on the picture, you'll be able to see the berry in the bottom bird's beak. Notice all that snow on the roof behind the upper bird.

There was supposed to be a post about contest rules yesterday, but there wasn't. Such is life.

It was tax day. And there was all this snow, a foot of it since Tuesday. Also birds. It was necessary, therefore, to take photographs. And to go skiing.

(Actually, the judges were taken hostage by a crew of irate gardening fanatics wielding sharpened hoes, heavy hoses, and the Herman's Hermits' complete playlist. They have commandeered my study, locked the judges inside, and are demanding that the rules be expanded to allow a wider range of categories.

The cries of outrage and pain, audible even over “I'm ‘Enery the Eighth, I am,” have ceased, so I assume that progress is being made and that the finished rules will be slipped under the door shortly. I hope so, because I am getting very tired of “Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter.”)

In the meantime, I will do what I can with earplugs and a woofer blasting the White Album.

Contest Judges Held Hostage to Herman’s Hermits

The other two large  
Robins eating juniper berries. If you click on the picture, you'll be able to see the berry in the bottom bird's beak. Notice all that snow on the roof behind the upper bird.

There was supposed to be a post about contest rules yesterday, but there wasn’t. Such is life.

It was tax day. And there was all this snow, a foot of it since Tuesday. Also birds. It was necessary, therefore, to take photographs. And to go skiing.

(Actually, the judges were taken hostage by a crew of irate gardening fanatics wielding sharpened hoes, heavy hoses, and the Herman’s Hermits’ complete playlist. They have commandeered my study, locked the judges inside, and are demanding that the rules be expanded to allow a wider range of categories.

The cries of outrage and pain, audible even over “I’m ‘Enery the Eighth, I am,” have ceased, so I assume that progress is being made and that the finished rules will be slipped under the door shortly. I hope so, because I am getting very tired of “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter.”)

In the meantime, I will do what I can with earplugs and a woofer blasting the White Album.

Shake or be shaken: see the big screen

This one's for James Alexander-Sinclair (Blogging from Blackpitts Garden) who was apparently inspired by the automatic compost screeners featured in my "Shake yo' compost screen" post earlier this week. But he wants something "bigger and better," he says. His brain on fire, he is all pumped up to turn his many talents to the question of large-scale screening.

Well, James, in support of your efforts, I decided to share with you these possibilities.

This one's quite cute, and will fit in the back of your pick-up. However, since it has no moving parts, it's not entirely clear how the dirt you dump on top is supposed to make it through the screen (especially a screen at that angle), but I'm sure you'll figure something out: maybe instead of shaking, you can take up jumping. Of course, you can always buy the "Optional Vibrator Package" for a mere $1,400. 

Soil screener new lg

Portable Soil Screener. Portable as in slip it into your back pocket?  The site has a video of it in action. If you have had a very dull day, check it out.

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